A Skill

I wouldn't call it confidence 
and definitely not arrogance 
but maybe more so,
tiny self assurance 
at having a skill.


Maybe not even that 
for skills seems too strong
but this,
writing,
(in a creative sense)
is something that 
I feel as if you can't do wrong 
once surrounded by my words 
I feel like this is where
I belong 
it's something I enjoy
something I like
and something
that I don't really think
but would like to hope
it may be something
that I can do. 

Changing Esteem

It's surprisingly hard 
to lift up esteem
it's set in it's concrete ways
a block in my head
you're ugly
don't look at the mirror
look at the floor instead 
changing this
listening when people
compliment 
instead of tossing 
the notion away
it's surprisingly difficult
thinking of my appearance
as something 
that's okay. 

Simple Love

As sad as this will make me sound, not to mention pathetic and maybe slightly like Bridget Jones, yesterday at about two in the morning I think? ( I don' tend to sleep till around 4) I was just sat in my room sobbing. 
After I had watched 90210 and Glee.
It wasn't so much the show themselves that made me cry, more so what they show. Couples.
Always couples. People being together and despite problems, having relationships.
It was horrible to progress back to the state of feeling alone and the reasoning behind this that I'm ugly. Alone, ugly and crying at two in the morning. Crank out the chocolate and you have the beginning of a chick flick. Looking back, it was a spectacular pity fest. 
The worse thing is though, is that that's what in my head. It's just kind of pushed down under all the stuff. But I do genuinely feel like that. Dearie me. 


Anyway, I know I said I would try to write less whingy, 'romantic pictures' poems but I thought with this reasoning of last night, I was allowed some self indulgence in this one.


Reading it back, this is probably one of the most honest and open poems I've done. 

It's not so much the fact
I need someone 
to complete me 
I don't really want to 
be part of some romantic story
something that completely 
alters history,
I just want something simple.

A hand to hold
someone to grow old (with) 
he can give me his coat
if I get cold 
not to tell me I'm beautiful
but he thinks I am 
to smile before kissing me
to hold me when I'm sad
or hold me whenever
so tight I think he'll never let go
and I will always know
that he's here 
not just for me
but because he wants to be. 

Doubt

Doubt is like a shadow
covering the sun 
like a stone thrown 
in to the tide
and sinking down 
down
down.


Doubt is a cold gust
echoing through the head
it's a punishing force
making you wish
you were someone else instead.


Doubt is the slow trickle
of realisation
that you barely trust
anyone
let alone yourself 

Being Called Beautiful

Being called beautiful
feels like a lie
because I've been telling myself 
every time I look in the mirror
and see a glimmer 
of potential 
something pretty
I shoot it down 
eyes back to the ground
and forget what I saw.

But now?
I've been complimented 
maybe by a stranger
where's the danger
of blurred alcohol vision
but a compliment still 
and it makes me feel 
something I thought
I never would 
and I still that I should
not think this way
but appearance wise,
dare I say?
I kind of feel . . . okay. 

Am I?

Am I
just the friend
the one will be in that zone
until the very end

Am I
the one, the only
the one who completes you
who without, you'd be lonely

Am I
the one you trust
the one who you believe
in a sea of voices, screaming you must

Am I me?
Or am I what you make believe?

More

Stomach pounds at the ribs
more more more 
it demands 
esteem and awareness of appearance
try to take a stand 
but thrown down
in to the weaker shadows
of the brain.


It's always the same
it's never enough
it's
never
enough 
always craving
until full.


I don't know
when I'm empty. 

Flaws

I can't be perfect
I don't have the greatest intellect
nor the best of faces
I can't run particularly fast
or add numbers in my head
but really, instead
I know I can't do everything
no where even close
I have no right to boast.


The things I can do
to a small degree
I can only try
that's just me.

Brain Pedestal

You think you're better than me
raise your own intelligence 
by always laughing at my stupidity 


A stamp of smugness upon the brain
but really, you know
you and I are just the same 


You stand tall while I am down
throwing my opinion forcefully
down on to the ground


Enough, is what I begin to think
and slowly, my opinion of you 
will lesser and perhaps your esteem 
will be the one to sink. 

A Shouting Silence

Posted this a few days ago on my phone and didn't have time to finish so wanted to edit it since it was quite a strong emotion at the time I started writing it.

Finding a voice
but doubt
as to when to use it
silenced by the looks
of scathing
contempt
the black of the pupils
shining
eager to hunt
to attack vulnerability 
your vulnerability.


Silence
better than shouting
hiding
better than being found
and attacked
Looking at floor
rather than asking for more.


Bully.

Food

On the off chance my fellow Come Dine with Me goers read this, this has nothing to do with the food served. Just the feeling of fullness after meals :')
Also - another month down - wow o.o 

Crawls down the throat
clutches at the stomach
spreads itself greedily
wanting to cover 
as much as possible. 


Pleads
whines
always begging
for you to have more
more
a little bit more.


Esteem
too far down
covered in 
layers of skin
and flab
to put up a fight
so more is eaten
to try and soothe
the feeling
of loosing
the battle


Grinning smugly
spreading
gaining
more terrority
across the body
making itself known.

Comfort In & Out

Beginning to find a style 
clothes that fit
not just the body 
but you
yourself
feeling comfortable 


Walking the streets 
head may not be held high
but beginning to feel okay
with passers by 


To not conform
or be in the uniform
of the trends
just trying to find 
a second skin 
not worried
about fitting in,
for once.

Paranoia

If I weren't myself

would I be my friend?
I'm not sure.


I think you talk about me
more often than not
I think you don't like me
all that much
I think you put up with me
rather than be my friend.


I'll just be quiet
and be the target for all
be the sponge for the insults
for if I don't like me
why should you?

Under the Lights, Behind the Mirror

The fragile esteem 
slowly crawling it's way 
out of the raging shadows
of torment and loathing 
clinging to the edges of the skin
let me stay, let me stay
it begs 
before being thrown back 
at the reflection
lost in the morphing mirror. 


And then.


Pathetically
looks up 
when the male gaze follows 
smiles
in the low lights of a club
the gaze glazed by drink 
sits on the shoulder
look, you've got something
right? 

Forward. Or Not.

One step forward
feeling confident 
a whisper
a look
a shiver across
the shoulders
and down the spine
doubt flickers 
one step back
and then another
a nod
better
arm folded
shoulders now hunched
don't do that again.

Elusive Esteem

I need more confidence in myself
for what little skills I have
are placed on a shelf
and they're far out of my reach. 


I can see them
but usually doubt
if they're there
do I still own them
are they even mine?
Perhaps,
one day
I'll be able to climb. 

This is for the Rejects

I know I said I'd try not to whine so much about appearance on this any more but I wrote this after talking with a friend yesterday at a party yesterday.

Hello. 

I'm ugly

nice to meet you. 

Don't feel the need

to look at me

too long, it's fine

I don't think you need

or want my name,

Go to talk to my pretty friend. 

This poem 

is for the ones

in the shadows

hidden in the glow 

of beauty

the ones who are looked at

in desperation

a last option

not much attention 

just eyes 

glazed over

with too much drink

This is for the ones 

who are alone

together

we still stand

take my hand

and we will try

to move out of 

the shadows

and in to the light.

Esteem

A punch in the face
making you wince
a kick in the leg
making you stumble
a pull of the tongue 
making you fumble 
a ripple in the stomach
making you feel sick
a wipe of the hands
making them slick


Quick.
look down
and find somewhere
to hide
from yourself
and from 
everyone else. 

Erosion Insults

Knocked back
with insults
wearing away
as a river
does a to rock.


Then picked back up
laugh it off
insist its a joke
no harm done


but


part of me
just a small,
small part
falls away. 

How to Forget Your Reflection

Look in the mirror
remind yourself you're repulsive
Look at the floor
avoid eye contact
to forget.


Try to stop the mind whirring
at a stranger's whisper
Don't guess what they're saying
concentrate on your feet
count the cracks in the pavement
one
two
three
Forgotten for the time being.


A glimpse of a reflection
in the window
Another reminder
count the cracks again
try to forget.